I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
