its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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