When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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