I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
