I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
