The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
