Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize