Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
