My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
