i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize