I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
