yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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