blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize