Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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