Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
