dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
