if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And then my night got REAL pukey
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
