Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
