Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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