I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
