i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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