I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
