I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
