I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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