Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
