Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
