We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
