i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
