I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
