Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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