I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
