2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
