apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
