I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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