you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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