**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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