SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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