Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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