I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
