i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
