I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
