when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
