the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
