like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You can't special order awesome
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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