My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
