OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I can text with my tongue
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
