I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
