It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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