Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
