i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
