She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
