I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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