Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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