yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
