I love black thongs
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I didn't notice because vodka
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize