There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
