Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
