I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize