I got chris browned last night
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
