you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
