the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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